It’s now January 12th (almost the 13th) and for some odd reason I’m having a hard time grasping that it’s 2012. Of course the first couple weeks of every year we all have to think one extra second before writing down the date on something, but other than that a New Year doesn’t normally affect me, but this year is different. I’ve been having a hard time falling asleep since new years because I can’t seem to turn my brain off. Every night I lay in bed, close my eyes then think and think and think. “I want to complete this task tomorrow”, ‘I need to do that this weekend”, “Can I afford that trip”, “Oh, I need to pay that bill”. It’s a never ending dialogue in my head of things I want to do this year, things I want to change in my life.
Every January 1st I throw out a couple cliche resolutions like “losing weight” and “saving money” and by January 2nd I’m usually thigh deep into a greasy cheese pizza while shopping online for brand new clothes that I can’t even fit into my already overstuffed closet. I’m sure I’ll kick myself later for declaring this publicly on the internet, but this year just seems different. This might be the first year in my life that I accomplish a few, if not all, of my goals. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me 12 days to sit down and write this post, and 12 days to even declare my resolutions. I haven’t over thought anything or jumped to any bold resolutions just because the date was January 1st. This year I’ve taken time to mull things over, reevaluate my life and quietly decide on things that I want, I need! to change.
I think this year feels so different for a few reasons. On December 31st as I stood in front of the mirror primping myself for a calm night out with my family to celebrate the New Year I noticed a few things.
- I’m fat. Ok, I’m not wildly obese and on the verge of being crane-lifted out of my apartment and rushed to the hospital on a flat-bed truck, but I’m fat. Like, need to lose the 40lbs that I’ve gained since college, fat.
- I’m old. Yes, my mom is probably rolling her eyes and laughing at this one, but I literally pulled 4 silver-white hairs from my head as I got ready for New Year’s Eve dinner. I could chalk it up to stress (that happens right?) but then it dawned on me that 2012 is the last year of my 20s! Sure, I have 11 months till I hit the big 3-0, but it’s happening this year and as cliche as it sounds turning 30 terrifies me. The whole “What have I done with my life? I thought I’d be so much further along by now.” is a whole other post on its on. I could go on and on about about all the things 10 years ago I would’ve sworn I would have/done by 30.
- I’m tired. Yes, I’m always tired physically, I could literally nap 3 or 4 times a day like a newborn baby, but that probably has a lot to do with #1. This kind of tired is different. I’m tired of settling. Settling on my job, sure it’s a job, it pays descent, but is it really what I want to be doing for the rest of the my life? Is my career going anywhere? Sometimes I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel running furiously but not going anywhere at all. I’m tired of doing the sames thing over and over, my life sometimes seems so monotonous. Wake up, eat, work, nap, eat, drink, watch tv, shop, sleep, repeat. I need some variety. I need to try new things.
So there you have it, it’s 2012 and I’m fat, old, and tired. Haha, saying it like that just sounds hilarious. Don’t take this as a depression post. Don’t worry, I’m fully aware that although I’m fat, old, and tired, I’m also young, lucky, and blessed. I’m young and have a lot of life left to live. I’m lucky to have a steady job in a time when a lot of people don’t. I’m blessed to have amazing family, friends, and my fluff ball Lane in my life.
Sure I haven’t officially declared any resolutions here, but maybe that’s why I think this year will be different. Maybe I’ll have a much better chance of accomplishing my goals without typing them permanently on the internet to haunt me. This is the year…2012, the year of Maria!